The Secret Life of a Dog

Many of us have been at home with our favourite friend over the last few months but now as we start to return to work, it's made us think. What do our dogs do when we are at work? We have discreetly ‘borrowed’ one of our dog’s diaries to find out…

Gerald’s Diary – age 4 and ¾

8am: Pretend to sleep when the human leaves 

I’m not sure why the human thinks I want to sleep all the time. Sleep all night, sleep all day. I’m not a hibernating tortoise, I’ll have you know – I have important things to do. But if it makes her happy, then I’ll go along with it, just to get her out the house. I hear her saying before she leaves for the working thing, things like ‘oh you’ll settle now you’ve had a lovely long walk!’ Well Karen, I will not settle because as you well know, you walked me on a lead for ten minutes in the park and would not allow me to see any of my friends because you overslept. You also forgot my second biscuit. So, all things considered, I will not be sleeping today and will, in fact, be looking for ways to kindly remind you that I need more than this in my life. How I will do this will be planned throughout the day depending on my mood, but I will not under any circumstances be just sleeping. 

9am: Look for forgotten second biscuit

This is a little game I like to play with myself to get me through the day. I do it to persuade myself that my human cares and has actually hidden a biscuit for me to find, rather than that’s she’s simply forgotten because she watched two box sets last night of Killing Eve and woke up late. 

10am: Eat all the things I found around the house

Alas, there was no biscuit. Occasionally I find one behind the sofa or under the fridge, and sometimes there’s one by the bin near the back door. Today I had no luck. I did find, however, a spoon, an empty kong I had forgotten about and a red jelly baby. Result! I also found a colourful button which I played with but haven’t yet eaten. I can’t work out whether I should eat it and be sick, or leave it to show my human how dangerous her thoughtlessness can be. I decide on the latter, as then I will get lots of guilt cuddles (all dogs know about this phenomenon). The downside is that she will then ignore me, sweeping up in a frenzy and removing all the biscuits and things that I would have found tomorrow. I’m undecided on which direction I should take.

11am: Consider the above in more detail and write list of pros and cons

11.10am: Vomit up button

11.12am: Think about what just happened

11.14am: Walk through vomit

11.16am: Jump on sofa

11.25am: Vomit again on sofa

11.45am: Eat vomit but leave bits of button for later

**11-12 is usually my busiest hour**

12pm: Have great idea to use cat flap to chase birds in garden. Honestly, my genius knows no bounds 

12.02pm: Get stuck in cat flap 

12.04pm: Panic, due to dehydration and worry about impending death

12.06pm: Resign myself to my fate. At least the cat can’t get in either

12.15pm: Sit on sofa

Here I am, sitting back on the sofa. It’s a bit draughty from the new hole in the door and I am still attached to the cat flap which is making napping difficult.

12.20pm: Sit on sofa and meditate

Damn, the cat can get in. Why’s he looking at me like that, as though I’m stupid? He’s the one who needs a cat flap to get in. I hate that cat. 

1pm: Look out of window for dog walker Veronica

Veronica is lovely and my favourite person in the whole wide world. She doesn’t go to work like Karen. She gets me and my friends together and takes us to the woods where we chase squirrels and run off to panic her. Sometimes we get an extra half hour walk while she’s looking for us, so we do that at least once a week. We don’t do it too much though or she puts us back on leads and moans about us pulling her over which is tiresome.

1.05pm: Think about vomiting again before I get in the car

1.10pm: Vomit just as Veronica enters 

Note to self: bad timing

1.15pm: Hang on she’s calling the human! What? I was just pre-walk vomiting! I’m fine! Look, I’m chasing my tail! Veroniccaaa watch! Look how fast I can goooooooo!!

1.20pm: Awake to Veronica fanning me with a copy of Dogs Today 

I can hear her saying on the telephone to Karen that I hit my head on the coffee table and chasing tails should not be encouraged! Haha your fault Karen! 

1.30pm: Think about the error of my ways

Apparently, between them, Veronica and Karen thought I shouldn’t join my good friends for a lovely walk due to the vomiting and hitting head on the table incident. When she put the phone down, I heard Veronica say ‘and there’s no way I’m telling her about that cat flap either’ or something. I don’t see why she’s involving Karen when she’s at work. Anyway. She’ll be back soon as she’s promised to look in on me after the walk. I’m so excited! I love her so much. She has always been my very best friend!

1.32pm: I hate Veronica. I’ve never liked her. She hasn’t come back as promised. I think I’ll die of loneliness. That will teach Karen and her stupid career. 

1.33pm: Still no sign of Veronica

1.34pm: Still no sign of Veronica 

1.35pm: Still no sign of Veronica

2.30pm: Plotting revenge on both of them 

They must be in it together. I will chew the lead that Veronica left (to make me feel worse, no doubt) and then I will pee up the fridge. I have made a list of all the ways I will make them pay for this. I’ll never forgive them for this. I hate them both.

2.32pm: Oh, Veronica’s here! My favourite person ever! 

2.32-2.52pm: Cuddles with Veronica while she watches A Place in The Sun

I love Veronica so much. I think I shall retire to Portugal with Veronica. 

2.53pm: Wonder how me and Veronica will tell Karen about Portugal

3.00pm: Veronica has left, leaving the conversation up to me I suppose 

3.10pm: Start packing, I shall go upstairs to find items

3.30pm: Find items 

I have amassed quite a collection! I have so far three bras, one alarm clock and some sparkly eyeshadow. I tried to pull down a suitcase from above the wardrobe but I think there’s something in it so it wouldn’t budge. Unfortunately, during this mission, everything else came down. I’m not going to pack all of the vintage china that Karen keeps up there for safekeeping as it’s now all broken, but the good news is, I now also have three wedding hats and a duvet to add to my collection.

4pm: Abort packing mission

Go downstairs for a drink of water and a nose at the horrible plain dog biscuits that Karen leaves in my bowl. I don’t like them but will snack if really hungry. That’s why she says she leaves them - so that I won’t eat them all at once and be sick. It doesn’t bother me as I usually open the fridge and eat the ham anyway.

4.10pm: Think I have eaten too much butter

4.20pm: You know what’s coming next

4.30pm: Walk through vomit and hop on sofa

4.35pm: Jump off as not keen on sitting on dried up vomit

4.40pm: Jump up and roll on vomit

5pm: Wonder if Neighbours is on. Why didn’t Veronica leave the TV on? I’m going to miss Home and Away too

5.10pm: Plan revenge on Veronica 

5.15pm: Cancel retirement to Portugal

5.20pm: Drag duvet and two of the wedding hats downstairs in anger. Sit on duvet and destroy hats. I’m too upset to look at them considering recent events

5.30pm: Start preparing for Karen’s arrival home

5.35pm: Practise best ‘feel sorry for me’ face

5.40pm: Start to feel nervous, it’s been a long day and there’s no sign of the cat 

Well, it’s not my fault about the cat flap. Or the vomit and dented coffee table. And it’s certainly not my fault about the butter and ham or that she left her eyeshadow out - anyway, it looks really good all across her new pillowcases - all nice and sparkly for night-time. She’ll thank me! 

5.45pm: Have second thoughts about the part I played in this

5.50pm: Go back to first thoughts where I felt no guilt

Look, if Karen hadn’t left me all day none of this would have happened. It’s all her fault. She’s so mean and really not a good owner - I really don’t like her. I think I shall leave and find alternative lodgings.

6pm: Karen’s home! Yippee - my very favourite human in the whole wide world!

If you've got a dog like Gerald who perhaps deserves a bit of time away with you rather than having his own pup party at home on his own, then why not have a browse of our dog-friendly cottages and find a furbulous one for a few days away?